November 10th

           It was the 10th day of November when my mother lost her battle with cancer. It's not a day that I mark on my calender or remember in the same way I remember a birthday or my anniversary. I'm reminded of this dates significance by the well meaning messages that I receive from my friends and family on this date.
I miss my mom every day of every month exactly the same way. I will never be able to fill the void that not having a mother  leaves in a persons life.

                               November 10th

                                          Today wasn't any different then yesterday

                                          I miss her just as much today as the day she went away

                                          Should it be today the 10th of November

                                          The only day when I should remember

                                          The person who gave me life

                                          More then a beloved mother and a beloved wife

                                          This day will come and go and be long gone

                                          But the pain I feel will still be strong

                                          On the 11th when the sun shows

                                          It will only be God who knows

                                          How much my emptiness and my sorrow

                                          Will be with me today as well as tomorrow.

                                          I miss you.

                                         

                                                                                  

                                          

     A friend of mine, who seems to be equally opinionated as I am, recently suggested a he said she said type of blog. One where either of us makes a comment from their genders perspective and the other replies from their perspective. Even though the following isn't a gender related topic, we decided to make this our first, "He said, She said".

     The following was a comment posted by my friend on her facebook page:

 "I was reminded today of things from once ago. I was reminded of lost friendships,lost family members,and lost ideas. Everyone makes mistakes,everyone deserves a second chance as long as they are true to their word,and everyone needs to feel forgiven. And everyone needs to learn to forgive at some point.( just my thoughts.)"

       I believe in second chances. I, in fact, am a "second chance" success story.I do believe that everyone is entitled to one, not necessarily deserves one. I don't believe that your "second chance" should infringe on other peoples "first chance" either.As for Forgiveness; forgiveness is good, forgiveness is 'Divine". It can't be expected and once obtained does not make void the consequence of the actions that you are being forgiven for. If you are forgiven that doesn't mean that all has been forgotten. The act of forgiveness does not, and can not ,be expected to come along with forgetfulness. I am aware that " To err is human..", no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. What I am saying is that it is unacceptable to tell someone, "stop living in the past", when they can't forget that which you are being forgiven for.(just my thoughts.)

Men are dogs: So get to scratching!

                The following is an excerpt from my up coming self help book of the same title.

     Through the years I've listened to several women complain about the men in their lives.The women have ranged from co-workers to family members, and the gripes have varied. I've heard, "he's to needy", "he doesn't like to go out", " he goes out too much", " he's too into his playstation", etc. etc. etc. After each complaint I wondered how these women ended up and stayed in a committed relationship with someone who they didn't seem happy with. Maybe I'm a little to idealistic, but shouldn't you be happy with your significant other? Shouldn't he be your "best friend"?
      Dare I say that I have the answer? Yes I dare! You see lady's we men are indeed the dogs that you so often refer to us as. So that's not the problem. The problem is that to many women simply pick the wrong dog. They don't do enough research into what breed is best suited for them. They to often fall for the latest trend in K-9's. "Oh "Marley And Me" was such a cute movie, I want a lab", " I love the Taco Bell chihuahua,I want a chihuahua". They run and get the animal with out taking into consideration the work and commitment necessary for the proper care of  each unique breed. You can't take your cute little chihuahua with you to the snow then wonder why he's not to happy to be there! Once you've had your lab for a few months, you can't leave it on a short leash in your back yard, he needs to be played with, He's a LABRADOR! 
              WARNING: CUTE AND CUDDLY CAN BECOME MEAN AND MANGY.
      I've never seen a mean and ugly St. Bearnard puppy or a mangy little rottweiler. I have however seen both of the aforementioned dogs as full grown terrors: Remember Cujo? Take the time to get to know his back ground. How was the dog raised? What are his parents like? If the parents have a bad temperament more then likely he will to. I know, I know;I have heard it countless times; "but he's soooo cute", "I can train him, he won't bite me." Then it bites your kid.
       If you keep your hyper cockerspaniel cucked up in the back yard and you don't play with him, you don't take him to the park for a run, you don't throw him a bone, he WILL make a run for it once you open the gate. No one wants the embarrassment of having your dog humping the neighbors leg if you know what I mean.I have known people who left their gates open and their dogs don't have any desire to stray. These are the animal lovers. They are the ones who buy the best foods, take their dogs on runs, buy them toys and pet them(heavily). These dogs are always wagging their tales at the site of their owners. These people have succeeded in obtaining life long loyalty. So how many of your dogs would make a run for it if the metaphorical gate was left open?  
        We men are simple creatures. We just want a dogs life. We just want to lick and love. If you know and respect our likes and dislikes, and you don't have unreasonable expectations of us, and you play with us how we each need to be played with. You will have a happy and extremely loyal partner. We will be there through even the worst of times. I've never seen a homeless person with a cat. So lady's get to scratching and let us do what we do best. And maybe you'll stop complaining.
      

Too many choices.

My wife recently ordered Netflix for our kid's Wii. If you are not familiar with what this is, it's a disk that Netflix sends you that you put into the Wii and after following a few simple set up instructions you can instantly watch movies through it. I thought this was pretty cool. We decided to watch a movie the other night, so I installed the disk and began. What I thought would be a quick browse through a few movies. The movie library turned out to be a lot larger then I expected. It was set up simple enough, you can choose by genre, new release or by T.V. shows. I scrolled through each genre excited to see movies that I had been wanting to see as well as movies that I wanted to re-watch. My wife was checking on me periodically to see if I made a decision. This is the time when I realized that I have a really hard time making a decision when I am presented with a large amount of choices.

I started thinking back to how long it takes me to make certain decisions, candy in a candy store, a video at Blockbuster, a channel on T.V., women. My wife has called me "picky", a label that I claim I am not. I've never considered myself a "picky" person. I've prided myself in being a well rounded guy. Maybe in my quest to be as well rounded as possible I have developed an eclectic taste in a variety of things that life has to offer. And because I enjoy a good action movie just as much as a romantic comedy, a chocolate covered almond just as much as a sour skittle, I get stuck in the decision making process. I get a little anxious when I'm picking out a candy. I don't want to buy something that a few bites into it I'm saying to myself," I should have got the Snickers." I had the candy store scenario with women as well. So many to choose from, straight hair, curly hair, smart ones, not so smart ones, sweet ones and sour ones, and nutty ones too. And to validate my fears, I picked the wrong one! Yes, I know, if I hadn't gotten married I wouldn't have my two wonderful kids. That still doesn't change the fact that I made the wrong choice. After that I took my time. I started really "reading the labels" and "checking the ingredients".

I discussed this with a couple of people the other day. They gave a few suggestions that they considered easy fixes to an over exaggerated problem. I was told "buy several candies." If I do that I might eat them all. As for the Netflix situation, their advise was to prioritize my genres, pick several movies and plan out my week. It sounds easy, however, I don't have that much time on my hands. I have a wife and kids who believe it or not, want my attention as well. Not to mention that I still have "The Karate Kid ", that I came across the other day while I was channel surfing in my DVR waiting for me to finish watching it.

Maybe I am picky. I might have to simply embrace my pickyness and stop looking at it as a fault. I was "picky" with women and now I'm married again. What I would have called "good comparison shopping" I now realize was being picky. I have not been disappointed. I took my time and got everything I wanted. Curly hair AND straight hair, a mixture of outdoor adventurer and couch potato and yes; a little sweet and sour.
So in retrospect, having a lot of options to choose from is a lot better than settling for whatevers available. I'd rather take a little extra time and increase my chances of satisfaction then to make a hasty decision and be unhappy with my choice.

         

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Support who?

        I was recently ordered to pay the equivalent to my mortgage in child support. I know that child support is a very touchy subject to those people who are paying it, getting it or should be getting it. Like a lot of things in our society, the wrong doing of some, in this case men who don't fulfill their obligations as fathers,causes the government to regulate us as in dictating what is a necessary amount one should pay to help raise his children.       
        I'm all for child support. I do believe that if you bring a child into this world ,whether it was willingly or not,you must meet your financial obligations.  I said meet, not exceed  by an obscene amount. After I had my son, I sold my two door car and got a four door, I bought a house, stopped waiting tables, and got married.  I was determined to change from a single guys mentality to one of a provider and full time father. Unfortunately the mother of my children did not have the same desire. She decided she did not want to be a mother or a wife and we divorced. Life happens. I got full custody of the kids. And even though I was the primary care giver I was still ordered to pay child support. The reason given was because "our gaps in pay were so wide" she needed financial help for the times she had her visitation. I was penalized for the fact that she lost her job. At some point in time the courts developed a program that takes various information that after inputed,determines the amount of support payments. There are no questions related to the ex's character or motives. This is because their faults should not affect the amount of child support which is considered the child's right. In my case, I provided for my kids for over 5 years with no issues. Sports, paid for, bikes paid for, medical insurance paid for etc. etc. I never asked for any money because I felt that I was the father and all these things were my responsibility.None of the latter is taken into account when going before a judge. My integrity however, did aid in my ability to keep my visitations which were being threatened to be taken away. The reason for attempting to take away my visitation was to try to obtain a larger amount of child support.
        Like a lot of men, I am now facing a huge lifestyle change. And a fact that is not taken into enough consideration, so are the children. When they come to visit dad, they will not be able to enjoy some of the pleasures such as pizza, movies and other things that people on a tight budget don't enjoy as much. I as well enjoyed the benefits of having my wife only working part time. This enabled us to not have to use babysitters and the kids were able to enjoy a lot more of what our city has to offer during their visits. In order for us to meet my child support obligations, she will have to work full time, in fact during the kids last visit I was forced to get a babysitter. My wife has never separated any of her income from our household. She has taken my daughter shopping for clothes with what she could call "her money". This is what she "bought" into.
But it's apparently not o.k. for the kids mom's husband to provide for the children of the woman he married. When entering into a blended family situation, you should meet the immediate needs of the family living under your roof. If your lack of work do to bad weather, lack of education or macho pride keeps your wife from working it shouldn't be held against the father. If mom has a lack of  income that causes them to not afford their Navigator registration and payments, then mom should look for a job, not take advantage of the system.
        I enjoy taking my kids shopping for clothes. I like seeing that my daughters foot grew a half size. I want to tell my kids that "they won't get anything if they don't behave". Do fathers who pay child support lose that right? Can I still keep my kids in control with threats of not getting rewards? My son told me that, "Mom just wants money so she won't have to ask you for anything". When two people get a divorce they stop being husband and wife but should never stop being parents. They should still communicate as to what is necessary and what is not.
        Unfortunately we don't live in a perfect world. Instead we live in a world full of dead beat dads with an unwillingness to support their children. This unwillingness forced the government to put tools in place to insure that their children are provided for. These tools are then used by vindictive ex's as a weapon against men who sincerely want to play an active role in the upbringing of their children. Even though we men suffer because of a fundamentally defective system ,it's the children who are always the ones who suffer the most.     

consequences

I believe that we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout our lifetime. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross




Unfortunately too many people make choices that have a negative impact in some body’s life whether it is in the form of an action or words, then when faced with those consequences either ignores, refuse to accept or are oblivious to them. I don’t know if it’s a culture that we have bred or is it something that is innate.

In our society when you break the law, in most cases, you go to jail. When the time is served we are told that those who did the time have “paid their debt to society”. Does the payment of that debt also free that person form any and all consequences? Do we tell the victims of the offense not to live in the past? However, is it right to continue to persecute the offender for their “mistakes”?

There are those occasions when people ask for forgiveness for their actions. Apologies are good, forgiveness is good. The problem is that sometimes an apology, no matter how sincere, isn’t enough. And the offender is confused as to why. They have a false sense that if they have asked for forgiveness they will be cleared of consequence. These apologizes are sometimes an attempt at reconciliation .As Christians we are told to forgive. We are not often told that we don’t have to reconcile.

Nobody is perfect. We are all capable of causing pain. We are not all capable of accepting the consequence. So what are we to do? When we make a choice, one that has a negative impact, we must accept responsibility. We must learn to concede to the victims of our actions. They might not want to accept an apology and that should be their perogative. However wrong it is to torture someone for their mistakes isn’t equally as wrong to expect someone to ignore that they were wronged? Some mistakes do last a life time. The people who make them need to humble themselves and accept what the wronged have deemed necessary for them to continue their lives with as much normalcy as possible.



“While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.”

Stephen R.